This pregnancy was so much more painful and uncomfortable than my other two. I was bigger and sicker. I had Braxton hicks like no ones business. But one night, a month before my due date, I started to get pretty intense contractions. They were bad but not getting worse. So I did a lot of swaying and not trying to overthink it. I packed my hospital bag just in case though. I tried to go to sleep but didn’t sleep very well. I was up at around 3am and woke my husband up. We decided it would be better to go in just to see what was going on and see if they needed to try and stop labor. My wonderful friend surprisingly answered her phone and came and slept on my couch so we didn’t have to wake our kids up.
We checked in and they were worried about what was going on and ran all the tests but were probably just going to send me home. They checked to see how far dilated I was and right after that, my water broke. So they admitted me. Um I am a MONTH early.. how is it possible that I am having this baby right now? We were nervous but also hopeful that everything would be ok and excited to meet her so soon. I had a slight fever and baby girl’s heart rate was insanely stressed so they had concerns about an infection.
I got my epidural. I love my epidurals because I can still feel everything that’s going on without all the pain. I can always still move my feet and don’t feel trapped. I know when I need to push and can feel every contraction with pressure and not pain.
Paige’s heart rate was still through the roof and not going down. And then all of the sudden I felt my contractions completely stop. My nurse called to tell my doctor and he told me if this continued, I was going to have to get a c section. I freaked. Like full on panic attack freaked out. I wasn’t expecting a baby already let alone a c section. My other two deliveries were like the easiest thing on the planet. I asked him to give me some time. He told me I had an hour (I really don’t like doctor bashing. Like it makes me so sad. Because most doctors are incredible and amazing and I 100% trust them and their abilities. But my doctor had the worst bedside manner on the planet. I am just going to leave all of that out because it’s not what I want to remember or is it helpful)
Every time I panicked and my heart rate went up, it would make Paige’s even worse. So I had to try with everything I could to remain calm even though I was completely terrified. My husband was so sweet and so calming and helpful and everything I needed.
We started praying so hard. Like praying the hardest I’ve ever prayed ever in my whole life. I know I would be ok if I absolutely had to get a c section, but mostly I just wanted my baby girl to be ok. The whole situation was so scary and nerve-racking. But as I prayed I felt my Heavenly Father’s arms wrapped around me clear as day. There has been countless moments since this experience where I close my eyes and try to remember it because I never ever want to forget it and how it felt and the heavenly love that was there.
My nurse came in and stopped talking and just stared at the monitor for a while. Then she was asked, “Do you guys pray?” We laughed and said “Harder than we’ve ever prayed before.” And she said “that’s the only thing that explains what’s going on right now because her heart rate is perfect and you are totally contracting just fine.”
We were so relieved!! Not much later, a few pushes, and Paige was born. They handed her to me for about .2 seconds and then took her away immediately because she was completely purple and wasn’t breathing.
That moment where they hand you your baby after 9 months of being in pain and hours of panic and pushing and stress and tears is all worth it when they place that baby in your arms. It is the best moment in the entire world and nothing compares to the love that bursts out of every crevice of your heart. And I didn’t get it. I was devastated.
I couldn’t see what was going on, but she had a team of doctors surrounding her trying to get her to breath. All of them were tugging and beating on her with no success. They hooked her up to oxygen so they could breath for her. I kept asking over and over again if I could hold her and to please not take her away. My husband was by her and the look on his face was not reassuring even though he kept telling me everything was ok. Later he told me he thought he was watching his child die right before his eyes.